Monday, Mar. 28, 2005 - 11:34 p.m.
haven't been here in a while. been having trouble getting in to post something. (those darned messages telling me the server is busy.)
tonight, i just kept tapping the Add entry tab until I was let in.
I could fulfill a prediction someone made about me always running here to vent about the wrong things, but i won't.
I look around at all my toys, and I want them gone. (it was never a hobby as I told myself for a long time.) I want every poster on my wall, my movies, my video games, gone.
I want every little thing that resembles childhood out of my home.
i have a gun sitting on my desk in front of my monitor. nice little snub nosed .38 and it is black and has a dull finish. and utterly fucking useless. Why? it is a toy. a water gun.
not like i would know what to do with a real one.
My cupboards are empty. My fridge is empty. I have a whole hen in my freezer with an expiration date of 1998 that i never cooked.
my house is a daily reminder that I am a 30 year old child. a 30 year old child trying to play with the grownups and doing a piss poor job.
none of these things in my house mean anything to me anymore.
they are lifeless, they are just idols to a little god that never really existed.
i have fucked up my life in many ways- heaven only knows how I managed to only fuck up within the law. Guess it is way too much work to go find a reputable fence for hot firearms, go to wal-mart and buy those hollow points and then run rampant through the dark streets of alabama and live out my Raymond Chandler fantasies until I get to do a James Cagney off the only building down here that is considered a high rise- gee, the second floor isn't really scraping the sky- and be a page six article in the Dothan Eagle.
However much I have fucked up, I thought I was fortunate on some holy level to have the friends I have. and having them stand by me.
Even when I was on their last nerve.
i guess the last nerve snaps after a while.
the last time I fucked up so miserably with a friend, i got a Ph.D in humility. i treasure the 45th second chance i was given and made promises that nothing like that would ever happen again. not ever. not ever.
and, to some degree, it hasn't.
but mistakes and my own faults have a nasty habit of slipping through and hurting my friends.
even when i thought i was trying to relate and prove i understood things.
i don't.
It just came down to my personality, my attitude causing grief.
it is something that can be fixed.
i just waited too long to fix it.
don't want to lose everything before learning how to grow up.
would like to learn how to grow up- wish I had about 15 years ago.
i wanna grow up, don't wanna be a toys r' us kid...
i don't want to gorw old and realize that I never grew up.
the gloom ends here.
